Deep Set Eyes Bags Creative Story Writing.....?

Creative story writing.....? - deep set eyes bags

I wrote to target a different position in the first half of my course:
here, if you have not read it http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index? ...

I've thought about it and want to know your opinion! and improvements!

I woke up suddenly, the sound of the cries of derision in my ear. I turned to Molly, my heart was only just the face of terror, pure madness. His eyes were fixed upon her. These two men, who gathered occasionally nourished from head to toe and around me like vultures. They were panicked, I could see the sweat of your face bare. Molly grabbed her in my arms, I was shaking violently everywhere. His screams were louder as he buried his head in my arms. I felt a tear strolling down my face when I saw a man, DesperadoTely throw off a rope. He clenched tightly around his hand, took a quick look at us and started circling us, the interference of the chain more in our skin. My heart was delicate. I tried to save Molly, the rest was to the soft curls and warm against my chest, threw the last cry of despair. But inside I was screaming. There were none, where to run, no place to hide. Leaving the streets completely when I realized I knew we were going to take. I had to remember all the people. I continued to recite the purple suits with black ties and scruffy style ballroom shoes. The man had a right dark blue bruise the size of a golf ball in his left hand. Both were ordered to be with her hair. AMen was much smaller than the other, but retained a higher position than him. The nails were a dark, clear years of smoking. The biggest eye Mans green as grass, had deep wrinkles and bags under the shadow, however, showed his face shone with a natural sheen. I could not bear to see more.